Many people who have ADHD will share with you their struggles with managing friendships and relationships. They make friends easily enough however, managing those relationships may result in strained or lost friendships due to several factors.
Maintaining relationships/friendships requires an acute understanding of social cues. Understanding the ‘Love Language’ of their friends, dealing with their own insecurities and RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria), communicating what they need and being able to balance the frequency of contact vs their own needs and wants.
Sometimes you feel you are getting it right then something happens that turns everything upside down. Actions, words, or behaviours are misunderstood. People who you thought were your friends were actually only using you and not acting or behaving in your best interest. Perhaps leading you into risky or destructive activities that result in your life spiralling out of control.
I am a self-diagnosed ADHDer. My grandson has diagnosed ADHD and my daughter has diagnosed ADHD. If you have read my book ‘The ADHD Support Handbook’, available on Amazon, you will know our story.
A recent experience led me to write this blog as an example of how friendships can deteriorate rapidly when RSD kicks in.
The Situation
I have had this female friend for almost 20 years. We socialised regularly when we first met. Our husbands were also friends meaning we all got on famously. In recent years they moved away from the UK, however, we maintained a healthy relationship and have been able to retain our social activities limited to annually. This has worked really well. When we meet up it is always lovely, and we have so much fun together. Until the other day!
We were at a restaurant with other friends having a lovely time. My female friend sat across the table from me chatting to another friend of ours. She said my name a couple of times and of course my ears pricked up. I heard ‘I love Jean dearly but ……” I could not hear the end of the sentence, but I was sure it was not in my favour.
My god It felt like eternity before I came round as I wondered if I had heard this right and then trying to figure out how to react. I said, “were you talking about me?” She smiled. I said again “were you talking about me?” Her brother was sitting next to me, and he also heard their conversation. The two of us made light of it and joked. I was fuming inside and still deciding how I was supposed to react to this.
The challenge for the ADHDer
The rest of the evening I was dwelling in my head about what she had said. My long-time friend. She sat across from me. I could not look at her. I ignored her. She sensed my displeasure and kept asking if I was ok. I continued to ignore her. Eventually I said, “I will talk to you tomorrow”. I’m not one for making a scene and was still processing what had happened right in front of me.
I did not sleep well that night. Tossed and turned trying to work out how to handle this situation. Had I done something to upset her? Why would she say something like that right in front of me? Was I looking at it correctly? should I be angry anyway? Was what she said a slight of my character or just a joke? Was I making a mountain out of a molehill?
The next day
The next day I was due to spend the day with her rather than going on an adventure with my husband and other family members. I was still angry and confused about how to deal with this situation. Fortunately, the person she had made the comment to was available and I asked her what was said. She tried to remember the context of their conversation. She said she could not remember. But it was something like “I love Jean, but I could not live with her”. It made me even more confused and upset.
Why would you say something like that in earshot of the person. To me it was not a nice statement and totally unfounded in my opinion. The other person tried to make light of it and said not to worry about it. I was now really angry, feeling rejected by my long-time friend.
It felt humiliating, let down, unworthy, guilty as though I must have done something for her to feel like that about me. I felt extremely hurt and angry. I then mentioned to my husband what had happened. He said I needed to decide what I wanted to do. Could I sit with her all day and fake how I felt? I made the decision not to as I could not be fake and pretend all was well, she was leaving for a serious operation in the following days and, as my long-time friend I really did not want to upset her. I know I need to talk to her about what was said but felt that now was not the right time.
How about you?
This experience may resonate with you or someone you know who has ADHD. The challenge is knowing how to deal with the situation. Now you may say “just tell her straight you did not like what she said and have it out with her” or “Tell her how you feel about what she said and talk it out” or “ask her why she said what she said”. Any of those suggestions would make sense, but for an ADHDer the first go to is ‘what did I do wrong?’, I must be guilty of something! I don’t want to lose their friendship so just say nothing. A million other ideas will be going around in our heads confusing us as we want to try and get it right. We are natural people pleasers. Those few friends we do have we want to try and keep them.
Does any of this resonate with you?
How would you have dealt with this situation?
RSD – Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria commonly occurs in those with ADHD.
Those who suffer with RSD have a strong response to criticism and rejection. Their emotions are heightened and they will beat themselves up.
Dr Sharon Saline talks about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and provides tips on how to combat it. Re reading this article was a good reminder for me.
https://drsharonsaline.com/2021/05/25/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/
What did I do I hear you ask?
My friend noticed that I was not myself areached out to me about a week later to ask what was going on. By the time we spoke I had calmed down and was clear on how I was feeling. I had written this article which helped me understand what was going on for me. Respect and honesty are hugely important to me. I felt disrespected in a way I had never felt before!
It was important for me to share with her what I noticed that night and how it made me feel. I also shared my self-diagnosis and what that means (RSD) for me. We talked, we cried, and so agreed to move on, our friendship is one that we both cherish.
Support for you!
Friendships/relationships have ended for some with ADHD who have not been able to share their feelings or understand what is going on for them. It is not an easy path to navigate.
If you or someone you know is struggling with their relationships contact me for a chat.
Book a free consultation use this link
To join my ADHD Facebook group use this link
To your success!
Love Coach Jean
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